The Crystal Ball
Sports stories to watch for in 2006.
JANUARY 30...Martell Webster comes home to Seattle and pours in 39 points as the Portland TrailBlazers hammer the Seattle SuperSonics 115 - 89. With a starting lineup of Flip Murray, Rashard Lewis, Danny Fortson, Robert Swift, and Mateen Cleaves, coach Bob Weiss is speechless about what's wrong with his team's defense in a postgame interview.
FEBRUARY 5...The Seattle Seahawks defeat the Indianapolis Colts 38 - 35 in Superbowl XL (40 for the non-Greek speakers) at Ford Field. After the game, people riot and loot in both Seattle and Detroit, because, after all, we're talking about Seattle and Detroit.
MARCH 20...Jason Bay drills a home run off Bartolo Colon to give darkhorse Canada a victory over the Dominican Republic in the first ever World Baseball Classic. Six days later, owners of the Florida Marlins announce the team will be moving to Calgary, where federal funds will be used to build a 100,000 seat indoor baseball super arena complete with Labatt Blue tap handles at every chair. An ecstatic Calgary spokesperson is overheard saying something about getting back at the United States for "stealing all our hockey teams."
APRIL 1...In a press conference, the University of Oregon announces it will be filing a lawsuit against the BCS for not being selected for a BCS game. At a second press conference 3 hours later, athletic director Bill Moos and football coach Mike Belotti look at reporters and scream, "April Fools!!!"
JUNE 27...With starters mustering only 14 wins (8 for Felix Hernandez) the Mariners are mathematically eliminated from post-season play.
JULY 9...A stunned crowd looks on in Berlin as DaMarcus Beasley and Landon Donavan each score to give the United States a 2-1 win over Germany in the World Cup Final.
JULY 12...The Seattle Seahawks announce a 5-year, $50 million contract with superstar running back Shaun Alexander. Asked why Alexander was given such a long-term deal, Seahawks GM Tim Ruskell said, "Did you see him play last year? He's really good!"
JULY 13...Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson sustain knee injuries in a charity jello-wrestling contest. Both are declared out for the coming season.
AUGUST 14...P.R. Watson returns to Zoomstick. The article is about how the Rangers, Angels, and A's should all be disqualified from the 2006 campaign for rampant steroid use and that technically, the Mariners should be A.L. West champs.
SEPTEMBER 18...After dropping its first 3 games to San Jose State, Oklahoma, and Fresno State, Washington football coach Ty Willingham promotes freshman Jake Locker to starting quarterback and J.R. Hasty as the team's first-string tailback.
OCTOBER 1...The Mariners finish the season with 90 losses (compared to 99 in 2004 and 93 in 2005). In an interview following their final game against Texas, Bill Bavasi proudly exclaims to reporters, "See, I told you we'd be better."
OCTOBER 2...The Tampa Bay Devil Rays announce they will be moving the club to Portland. "It's not quite Canada," owner Stuart Sternberg says, "but it's getting close."
NOVEMBER 18...The Huskies destroy Washington State in the Apple Cup 42-14, finishing undefeated in conference play and bowl-bound. Jake Locker throws for 3 TD (2 to Isaiah Stanbeck) and rushes for another while J.R. Hasty carries for 175 yards and a TD.
NOVEMBER 20...On a snowy night in the Meadowlands, the Seahawks stay in the playoff hunt by beating the New York Giants 8-7 on Monday night. Mack Strong starts at left tackle and leads Shaun Alexander into the end zone for the game winning conversion at the end of regulation. Following the game, an enraged Eli Manning pegs Mike Holmgren in the head with a snowball as the teams head to their locker rooms. After coming to his senses, Holmgren rolls to his feet, chases Manning down, and does a flying judo kick to the quarterback's sternum. Neither sustain serious injuries.
DECEMBER 12...George Steinbrenner declares that no Yankee player will ever be allowed to participate in the World Baseball Classic. Fed up with the decision, center fielder Johnny Damon demands to be traded to the Seattle Mariners. Days later, Damon goes to Seattle for Jarrod Washburn, the lefty Steinbrenner wanted "all along..."
DECEMBER 15...The Calgary Cold Ones (Marlins) trade Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera to the Portland Greenies (Devil Rays) for prospects and a few cases of Bridgeport IPA. The future of baseball in the pacific northwest never looked brighter.
JANUARY 30...Martell Webster comes home to Seattle and pours in 39 points as the Portland TrailBlazers hammer the Seattle SuperSonics 115 - 89. With a starting lineup of Flip Murray, Rashard Lewis, Danny Fortson, Robert Swift, and Mateen Cleaves, coach Bob Weiss is speechless about what's wrong with his team's defense in a postgame interview.
FEBRUARY 5...The Seattle Seahawks defeat the Indianapolis Colts 38 - 35 in Superbowl XL (40 for the non-Greek speakers) at Ford Field. After the game, people riot and loot in both Seattle and Detroit, because, after all, we're talking about Seattle and Detroit.
MARCH 20...Jason Bay drills a home run off Bartolo Colon to give darkhorse Canada a victory over the Dominican Republic in the first ever World Baseball Classic. Six days later, owners of the Florida Marlins announce the team will be moving to Calgary, where federal funds will be used to build a 100,000 seat indoor baseball super arena complete with Labatt Blue tap handles at every chair. An ecstatic Calgary spokesperson is overheard saying something about getting back at the United States for "stealing all our hockey teams."
APRIL 1...In a press conference, the University of Oregon announces it will be filing a lawsuit against the BCS for not being selected for a BCS game. At a second press conference 3 hours later, athletic director Bill Moos and football coach Mike Belotti look at reporters and scream, "April Fools!!!"
JUNE 27...With starters mustering only 14 wins (8 for Felix Hernandez) the Mariners are mathematically eliminated from post-season play.
JULY 9...A stunned crowd looks on in Berlin as DaMarcus Beasley and Landon Donavan each score to give the United States a 2-1 win over Germany in the World Cup Final.
JULY 12...The Seattle Seahawks announce a 5-year, $50 million contract with superstar running back Shaun Alexander. Asked why Alexander was given such a long-term deal, Seahawks GM Tim Ruskell said, "Did you see him play last year? He's really good!"
JULY 13...Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson sustain knee injuries in a charity jello-wrestling contest. Both are declared out for the coming season.
AUGUST 14...P.R. Watson returns to Zoomstick. The article is about how the Rangers, Angels, and A's should all be disqualified from the 2006 campaign for rampant steroid use and that technically, the Mariners should be A.L. West champs.
SEPTEMBER 18...After dropping its first 3 games to San Jose State, Oklahoma, and Fresno State, Washington football coach Ty Willingham promotes freshman Jake Locker to starting quarterback and J.R. Hasty as the team's first-string tailback.
OCTOBER 1...The Mariners finish the season with 90 losses (compared to 99 in 2004 and 93 in 2005). In an interview following their final game against Texas, Bill Bavasi proudly exclaims to reporters, "See, I told you we'd be better."
OCTOBER 2...The Tampa Bay Devil Rays announce they will be moving the club to Portland. "It's not quite Canada," owner Stuart Sternberg says, "but it's getting close."
NOVEMBER 18...The Huskies destroy Washington State in the Apple Cup 42-14, finishing undefeated in conference play and bowl-bound. Jake Locker throws for 3 TD (2 to Isaiah Stanbeck) and rushes for another while J.R. Hasty carries for 175 yards and a TD.
NOVEMBER 20...On a snowy night in the Meadowlands, the Seahawks stay in the playoff hunt by beating the New York Giants 8-7 on Monday night. Mack Strong starts at left tackle and leads Shaun Alexander into the end zone for the game winning conversion at the end of regulation. Following the game, an enraged Eli Manning pegs Mike Holmgren in the head with a snowball as the teams head to their locker rooms. After coming to his senses, Holmgren rolls to his feet, chases Manning down, and does a flying judo kick to the quarterback's sternum. Neither sustain serious injuries.
DECEMBER 12...George Steinbrenner declares that no Yankee player will ever be allowed to participate in the World Baseball Classic. Fed up with the decision, center fielder Johnny Damon demands to be traded to the Seattle Mariners. Days later, Damon goes to Seattle for Jarrod Washburn, the lefty Steinbrenner wanted "all along..."
DECEMBER 15...The Calgary Cold Ones (Marlins) trade Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera to the Portland Greenies (Devil Rays) for prospects and a few cases of Bridgeport IPA. The future of baseball in the pacific northwest never looked brighter.
posted by Small Fish at 6:02 PM
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